The House of Irony / November, 2005

Dedicated in part to Wheels’ father.

“Don’t skankify my friend.” – Paige

That wasn’t vodka Peter spiked the punch with. It was an aphrodisiac. There hasn’t been an episode of Degrassi this filthy since Emma lay in bed smiling after a night of receiving a social disease… in the throat! Everyone’s skankifying!

Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes return to Degrassi for the poutine, an interview with Tanya Kim of E-Talk Daily fame and the world premiere of Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh! What, couldn’t get Ben Mulroney? Alex blows off Jay’s invitation to the premiere because Paige invited her first, and now Alex will finally have a chance to give ‘er. With diesel. Before they get a chance to experiment with their budding sexuality, Paige breaks the news that she invited Hazel in Alex’s place. Alex is understandably pissed and stomps off, forcing Paige to satisfy Kevin Smith’s weird Canadian fetish to gain an extra ticket. Alex is so pleased by this turn of events that she practically licks the make-up off of Paige’s face.

Unbeknownst to everyone, Jason Mewes mentally undresses the school Principal. Skankify!

Meanwhile, Emma and her new boy toy Peter, the Principal’s son, secretly converse through a half-empty bookcase in plain sight of the entire school body. You wouldn’t think Emma was so juvenile considering all the bracelets she collected in Social Disease Gully.

The school dress code disappears as the plunging necklines of the Degrassi student body make their way down the red carpet. Footage from Smith and Mewes’ last appearance make up the entirety of the screening, and the kids are ushered out of the theatre and into the kid’s table version of the after-party. Emma convinces Peter to trade the vodka he’s pouring into the punch for “liquor” (oo-er!) and they hide from Manny in the dark recesses of the theatre to make with the hickeys. But are they the only ones skankifying?!?

Marco is upset that he and Hazel aren’t able to crash the adult side of the celebration, but it really doesn’t surprise anyone considering the ugly outfit that Marco is wearing. Me-ow! Paige and Alex stretch their acting skills to the limit by pretending that they’re dyke strippers, and a little girl-on-girl action greases the wheels to let them through to the other side of the velvet rope. Jay, having observed all this, tries to make it a threesome, but is so brutally pathetic in his approach that you wonder how he ever received a social disease, let alone passed one around. The girls decide to keep their burgeoning romance private, and make their way out onto the dance floor for a little jailbait bump-and-grind. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes look on in both disbelief and boner-enhancing sweat pants, and briefly consider whether they should join in and cross swords themselves . Thankfully, this is only hypothetical skankifying.

So far a bit of a tease of an episode, until Emma and Peter neck their way into the theatre proper and catch their parents dry humping. It takes an awful lot for me to gasp out loud during an episode of Degrassi, but this development caught me completely off-guard. Bad enough that Snake is cheating on Emma’s mom with his boss, but now all that teenage groping and fumbling between Emma and Peter seems a whole lot more incestuous, Dunville-style.

Paige and Alex leave everyone a parting gift of tight inseams in their chinos and make their way to Alex’s house for some shoes, and by shoes, I mean bumping uglies. Coitus interruptus as Alex’s mom awakens from her drunken stupor and regales Paige with stories about her daughter’s childhood. As they’re about to leave, Alex’s mom and a man I’m assuming is the plumber have an argument and Alex gets thrown into an end table in a classic study of Degrassi domestic abuse.

Back at the home of Snake and Spike, Emma is compulsively making tea and letting her mascara run while waiting for Snake’s return. Just seconds after he walks through the door, she confronts him about his skankifying ways. He returns with a verbal volley of his own, asking her if she has ever done something she knew was wrong with someone she shouldn’t have been with. He looks mockingly at her throat as he speaks. This is a man who has faced Death in a bathroom stall. Don’t toy with him. He will bury you.

Alex and Paige have a slumber party after Paige promises to clear out all the end tables first. Then they make out for two glorious seconds. But before they move onto the pillow fight and styling each others hair, Paige freaks out and makes tracks to the sofa downstairs. Yet another sensitive issue dealt with in the inimitable Degrassi style. Already my videotape of the program is being worn down in certain places.

Next Week – The Lexicon of Love continues as Paige finds she has no one to turn to for advice and chooses Kevin Smith as a last resort. And the Spike ladies double-team Snake, but not in the skankifying way. Also, I retire the term “skankify” and all related uses.

I was looking up some info on the Ghost Dog soundtrack (it being my favourite album at the moment), when I found this photo of the RZA:

Superheroes truly walk among us.

Unconvinced? Need further proof?:

What’s more superhero than getting Bill Sienkiewicz to do your album covers?

I was reading my morning bbc news the other day and came across this story. I have been depressed for most of my life. I am like a walking willow tree shambling through life till I am dead. I was surprised to no end when I discovered that the only thing keeping me from a positive outlook and ongoing happiness were dolphins. Scientists have discovered that people who swim with dolphins have an increase in overall happiness and well being.

With this newfound scientific discovery, I only see it reasonable to construct moats throughout the great cities of the world and fill them with dolphins. With all that positive dolphin energy in the epicenters of the world I can only suppose a return to Eden. We have ignored the healing powers of dolphin-kind long enough. Let us embrace the healing sounds of dolphin song.

They’ve put up a Quicktime VR panorama of the new Large Hadron Collider that they’re building at CERN. For those who don’t know, the LHC is going to be the largest particle accelerator ever built and will harness energies more powerful than anything we’ve ever created. Scientists aren’t even sure what they will find when they turn it on. Some are hoping for proof of string theory and others are hoping to find the graviton, an elusive, theoretical particle of gravity.

Just look at this beast. Why do I get the feeling that as soon as they flip the switch, Annihilus is going to step through this thing to punish us all for our puny human ambition?

I’ve recently stopped eating potato chips.

I don’t know, I’ve been a chip junkie since before I can remember, a wonderful trait no doubt programmed into me by my snacking mother. The problem is that chips are just plain awful for you, especially eating them at night while watching TV, right before bed. So I cut them out, switching to cashews and homemade chex mix.

I’ve got to tell the truth, I’m starting to feel like some weird hippie survivalist spouting all this healthy living shit, but I’m realizing my plan to live 200 years isn’t going to be easy—Hell, it could be downright hard. Disregarding the upcoming Singularity, who knows how long it will take to perfect immortality? I may have to hold out 100 years for my posthuman miracle cure, strictly by my own will and wits. Don’t think I’m going to get there eating fried potatoes and sitting on the couch. Things done changed.

Actually, while I’m on the topic, I do have a request of the scientific industry: I’d love it if you could develop a mass-market meal-in-a-pill, with the full nutrition and all that jive. That way, I could be done with this whole eating thing altogether, and I could concentrate more on my drinking.

It is true. I am descending into the bowels of geekdom. I have purchased this monstrosity, and while i’m still getting used to it, it rules! This my friends, is the Nostromo N52 Speed Pad made by Belkin. Built with gamers in mind, specifically first person shooter gamers, it is a powergamers dream come true.

While I myself am not a big fan of FPS games, I can see how this thing would change the way a person plays one. The nice thing about this device, and the main reason I actually bought it, is that you can use it in any program. So currently I’m playing around with Photoshop and different macros and quick-key settings. You are able to set up multiple profiles with the program that comes with this and it can auto detect which program you currently have active and auto switch your active profile to the new program. Meaning I can have a profile (aka a complete key setup) for Photoshop, Dreamweaver, Illustrator, Flash etc., as well as any of your favorite video games and it will switch out on the fly whenever you have a different program active.

It’s a bit of a learning curve as it’s a completely foreign feel, but after a couple of days it becomes a real time saver. While not for everyone except the most hardcore geek, it is alot of fun. But i must admit, I do have a sick fascination for the science of human input devices and love to find new ways for humans to interact with technology. That’s right my friends! One day I shall become one with a car, and I will conquer the universe! And I’ll be doing it while wearing a Nintendo Power Glove!

This report dedicated, as always, to Wheels.

“Spinner. Slow Down. I was just about to redefine Bible thumping.” – Jay

It’s the first year anniversary of the shootings at Degrassi High, and Jimmy is once again forced to accept a pity honorarium from the school despite secretly wishing that everyone would just leave him the fuck alone. As if that weren’t enough, Hazel is getting jealous over the fact that Jimmy and Ellie concocted plans for the mural without telling her, and Spinner tries to patch things up with Jimmy for the seventy-sixth time since the day he got Jimmy shot. All Jimmy wants to do is paint his mural. Leave him the Hell alone.

Meanwhile, Spinner is torn between a weekend of bumping uglies at a kegger with his buddy Jay or Born Again beach volleyball with his girlfriend Darcy, who makes a point in practically every scene to let everyone within earshot know that she can be a Christian and still be hip with where the kids are at. Spinner chooses hot virginal volleyball, and has a friendly discussion concerning matters of abstinence with Linus, the head of the cult, while simultaneously ogling Kim, the guy’s girlfriend. Things seem pleasant enough until Linus starts divulging the secret of Spinner’s involvement with Jimmy’s shooting as a way to blackmail him into converting, thereby demonstrating Degrassi’s commitment to show that people from all walks of life, including the righteous, can be cock knocking scum.

Back at school, the fur is flying as the gang pitches in on Jimmy’s mural. Hazel’s plans to travel with Jimmy over the summer conflict with Jimmy and Ellie’s plans to sharpen his artistic talents. When an obviously discouraged Jimmy subconsciously includes a portrait of in the mural, the paint hits the shirt and Hazel and Jimmy break it off in an ugly public scene.

Pissed that his girlfriend has shared information he gave in confidence, Spinner calls his buddy in a last-ditch effort to get laid. Jay shows up at the rather tasty barbecue and decides to play the field before heading to the kegger. Spinner and Darcy make up while watching Jay deceive his way into some poor girl’s short shorts, but cock block him at the last minute by inviting him into the woods for a ménage a beer. Darcy won’t imbibe because she got drunk once and is the only person in the history of the planet who sincerely meant “I swear to God, I’ll never drink again.” Spinner takes off for refills, leaving his girlfriend with a drunken, conniving, lecherous parolee. It’s like Welland all over again. Jay convinces Darcy that Spinner is a hot commodity among the ladies, and if she doesn’t put out, some piece of kegger ass will. Darcy knocks one back and then prepares to knock boots with her man. When Spinner returns Darcy sits him down, momentarily ponders WWJD and strips out of her bikini top. Spinner is digging this abstinence jive, until he notices that Darcy is bawling, and as we all know there’s nothing quite like an ugly crier to turn a guy on.

Realizing what Jay did, Spinner catches up with his buddy and sucker-punches him by the volleyball game, then tries to murder him by wrapping the net around his neck. Jay denies that he’s Satan and takes off, leaving an obviously distraught Spinner to bare his soul and take the first tentative steps to forgiveness in Christ.

Next Week! Girls + Wine + Sex & The City Marathon = Sufferin’ Sappho. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes return to Degrassi for the premiere of Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh? while Paige, the mostly hung-over lipstick lesbian, attempts to talk her way out of a drunken night of passion involving Alex, her one-time rival for the title of most catty student at Degrassi.

Holy shit, it’s like all the cool people are droppin’ like flies. I hate to do another downer post, but this deserves a mention.

Link Wray died on Nov. 5 and was buried on Nov. 8. He’s credited with inventing the fuzz sound and the power chord. Pretty much the staple of every punk and metal band that’s ever been. His song, Rumble, is probably one of the only instrumental songs to be banned from radio play for being too violent.

He died at 76, which is amazing considering how hard he rocked. Usually when you channel that much raw power, it kills you in your early years. I guess the deal he made with the devil to become so awesome had a longevity clause. Though not long enough if you ask me.

“The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.”

As a self-professed expert on all things Chuck Norris, it’s rare that I come across a piece of information on the actor that I haven’t heard before. That’s why these 30 facts about Chuck Norris, most of which I have never heard before, come as such a surprise. Did you know that Chuck Norris is suing NBC over Law & Order? That Chuck Norris doesn’t need to read? Or that Chuck Norris never sleeps? These wondrous bits of information await both the Norrisphile and Chuck novice alike.

There’s a lot of work that goes into heating your home with wood, though it’s right proper tradeoff nowadays with the cost of heating with gas or electricity. (Point in fact, those gas bills at the House of Irony [St.Catharines Branch] were murderous, and that was five years ago.) Karissa’s dad Darrell has a saying, “Wood heats you three times, once cutting it down, twice moving it and three times when you finally light it.”

On top of procuring the fuel, a wood stove requires constant nurturing and prodding, you’ve got to be dedicated to the flames. It especially interesting, then, to hear about a type of stove popular in Eastern Europe, the Masonry Heater, which has a number of characteristics that, at first glace, seem like heaven sent. To understand how it works needs a graphic, this one from russianstove.com:

The heat from the fire has to take a long way through the flues of the russian stove before it gets to the chimney, which give the surrounding dense bricks to absorb the heat. And because brick takes an awfully long time to cool down, the stove radiates a constant warmth, and only requires refueling twice a day to maintain, which is much better than the perpetual checking and usual hot/cold of a North American stove.

We were totally ready to throw down the gauntlet and look up some detailed plans until I read this total buzzkill:

For one thing, you don’t want a masonry heater if you are into instant gratification the way most of us in North America are. It takes hours for a masonry heater to start making heat, which might be fine in the damp but steady maritime climate of Northern Europe, but not so good in North America where we go through wild temperature swings…unlike heating with a regular stove in which rekindling involves raking charcoal and loading more wood, every fire in a masonry heater has to be started from scratch, which is fine as long as you are keen to light a fire once or twice a day.

Having a stove that takes hours to heat up would be a real drawback with the increasingly crazy weather of Southern Ontario, where it could be snowing one day and melting the next. A stove needs to be able to react quickly. More importantly, building a masony heater is not recommended by amateurs, and requires someone especially trained, which drives the cost up significantly.

And there’s another wild scheme killed by the Internet.

Today I picked up the new Neil Diamond album. I love it; soon I plan to live it. I saw Neil on Jimmy Kimmel last evening and he did the tune “I’m on to you,” earlier that day I was given a link from my buddy Jay at Spacejunk to the song “Hell Yea” after those 2 tracks I was sold and bought the cd today at lunch. The cd is refreshing and haunting; Diamond is emotional and macho at the same time, like Capt. Kirk of the starship Enterprise.

I have not been into an album like this for quite some time. Listening to the songs alone I am thoroughly enjoying myself. I have the attention span of a fruit fly and most albums are unable to keep my interest from beginning to end. It is a great and complete work.

Rick Rubin does an amazing job, I love the way he does stripped down music. The voice is front and centre; rich and commanding. Diamond speaks to me like a wise elder, divulging life lessons that he wants me to learn – because he cares. I care for you too Neil. Your wisdom is poured on all of us like anointing oil, preparing us for ministry.