The House of Irony / Archives

This report dedicated, as always, to Wheels.

“Spinner. Slow Down. I was just about to redefine Bible thumping.” – Jay

It’s the first year anniversary of the shootings at Degrassi High, and Jimmy is once again forced to accept a pity honorarium from the school despite secretly wishing that everyone would just leave him the fuck alone. As if that weren’t enough, Hazel is getting jealous over the fact that Jimmy and Ellie concocted plans for the mural without telling her, and Spinner tries to patch things up with Jimmy for the seventy-sixth time since the day he got Jimmy shot. All Jimmy wants to do is paint his mural. Leave him the Hell alone.

Meanwhile, Spinner is torn between a weekend of bumping uglies at a kegger with his buddy Jay or Born Again beach volleyball with his girlfriend Darcy, who makes a point in practically every scene to let everyone within earshot know that she can be a Christian and still be hip with where the kids are at. Spinner chooses hot virginal volleyball, and has a friendly discussion concerning matters of abstinence with Linus, the head of the cult, while simultaneously ogling Kim, the guy’s girlfriend. Things seem pleasant enough until Linus starts divulging the secret of Spinner’s involvement with Jimmy’s shooting as a way to blackmail him into converting, thereby demonstrating Degrassi’s commitment to show that people from all walks of life, including the righteous, can be cock knocking scum.

Back at school, the fur is flying as the gang pitches in on Jimmy’s mural. Hazel’s plans to travel with Jimmy over the summer conflict with Jimmy and Ellie’s plans to sharpen his artistic talents. When an obviously discouraged Jimmy subconsciously includes a portrait of in the mural, the paint hits the shirt and Hazel and Jimmy break it off in an ugly public scene.

Pissed that his girlfriend has shared information he gave in confidence, Spinner calls his buddy in a last-ditch effort to get laid. Jay shows up at the rather tasty barbecue and decides to play the field before heading to the kegger. Spinner and Darcy make up while watching Jay deceive his way into some poor girl’s short shorts, but cock block him at the last minute by inviting him into the woods for a ménage a beer. Darcy won’t imbibe because she got drunk once and is the only person in the history of the planet who sincerely meant “I swear to God, I’ll never drink again.” Spinner takes off for refills, leaving his girlfriend with a drunken, conniving, lecherous parolee. It’s like Welland all over again. Jay convinces Darcy that Spinner is a hot commodity among the ladies, and if she doesn’t put out, some piece of kegger ass will. Darcy knocks one back and then prepares to knock boots with her man. When Spinner returns Darcy sits him down, momentarily ponders WWJD and strips out of her bikini top. Spinner is digging this abstinence jive, until he notices that Darcy is bawling, and as we all know there’s nothing quite like an ugly crier to turn a guy on.

Realizing what Jay did, Spinner catches up with his buddy and sucker-punches him by the volleyball game, then tries to murder him by wrapping the net around his neck. Jay denies that he’s Satan and takes off, leaving an obviously distraught Spinner to bare his soul and take the first tentative steps to forgiveness in Christ.

Next Week! Girls + Wine + Sex & The City Marathon = Sufferin’ Sappho. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes return to Degrassi for the premiere of Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh? while Paige, the mostly hung-over lipstick lesbian, attempts to talk her way out of a drunken night of passion involving Alex, her one-time rival for the title of most catty student at Degrassi.