God bless you, Wheels.
“Does the gay superhero know you took his belt?”
Sexy clowns! Car Chases! Explosive diarrhea! It’s been too long. Let’s get right to it.
The Friendship Club are holding a carnival for charity, and Spinner is the one sitting in the dunk tank. You have got to give it to those Christ kids; they’ve got business savvy. Nothing rakes in the cash like making a target out of the most hated person in Degrassi. Jimmy rolls by and pays five bucks to take as many shots but manages to dunk Spinner with just one toss. For a second I thought he was going to ask for his four bucks back, but instead he dunks the poor kid four more times. Calling the Toronto Blue Jays! Marco intervenes, saving Spinner from hypothermia. What a fucking baby.
Emma bakes some brownies to cheer Spike up on her third anniversary to Snake (and their first apart), while Manny suggests renting her some hot cock. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! All of this is simply skirting the real issue here. Spike is back on the market! Oh, I’m in love with a girl named Spike!
Meanwhile, at the carnival, Toby looks forward to snagging some free condoms at the upcoming Safer Sex day, and Marco, a devout Catholic, supposedly hasn’t heard that there’s a new Pope in town and is suffering under the delusion that gays will be fully accepted into the church sooner rather then later. The Friendship Club gush all over Spinner, inferring that he was solely responsible for raising over $800 for charity. That’s a lot of dunk tank patrons. Imagine how much they would have made if they had strapped Rick’s corpse to the dunk tank. Marco, deserted by all his friends (including “Palex”, the dykenamic duo), is approached by Spinner and asks him out on a date to see Clown Academy II - Bozo Romps Again where they bond over pizza and catty remarks.
Back at the ranch, Spike gets a surprise visit from an old friend. Things are going swimmingly until Snake shows up unannounced and ruins the girls’ non-anniversary party. Spike is not impressed. Hands off, Archibald! You had your chance! And since when is Caitlin Spike’s best friend? What happened to Liz?
The next day the Friendship club call an emergency meeting, which can only mean that either Linus has finally spiked the kool-aid or rampant promiscuity and other deviant sexual practices have overrun the school. Upset that Marco is orchestrating Safer Sex day, a thinly veiled excuse for some hot teenage dry humping, the Friendship team conspire to put a kibosh on the affair without Spinner or Darcy’s input. Linus makes the point that kids with access to condoms will have further reasons to get it on, a theory I wholeheartedly agree with. Where I diverge with Linus is in thinking that teenage orgies are a bad idea. High school by choice! Hand out more condoms!
Over at Spike’s place, Caitlin concocts a list of lame party games to keep her mind off of Snake’s betrayal. Manny reiterates her desire for sweet sweet beefcake, and finally wins the other girls over. Caitlin snags a phone book and lets her fingers do the walking.
Spinner attempts to break the world record for ending a budding friendship by harassing Marco about condoms and sin less then 24 hours after reigniting their fractured relationship. Apparently, giving high school kids condoms is in the Bible. When Marco won’t listen to reason, the Friendship brigade bring their case to the Principal, who knows a thing or two about hump crimes. Fearful of another outbreak of social diseases, she ignores them and gives the go-ahead for Marco’s hedonistic celebration. Realizing that Friendship club is the last bastion of decency at Degrassi, Puppet Master gives Spinner a choice. Us… or them?
At this point Spinner is so into Jesus that he turns his back on the piece of tail that got him there in the first place and follows Jim Jones to a protest at the gym. That’s when the fun begins. Hot Linus and Marco action! The two petite iconoclasts trade blows, both ideological and physical. Sha-zam! Watch out, Linus. This “fag” has a mean left hook. Spinner, convinced of Linus’ bigotry, helps break up the fight and sends Linus packing. Unfortunately, it appears that it’s already too late for Spinner and Marco’s friendship. But, oh, what a beautiful 24 hours they had together…
Speaking of throbbing man loins, Spike’s non-anniversary surprise shows up in bow ties, short shorts, appetizers and little else. Manny gets her wish and Emma is about to pass along a few more social diseases when Spike is startled by one stripper’s resemblance to her former beau. Uh oh. Caitlin obviously hired strippers from a company that specializes in ugly, misshapen men. How does someone who looks like Archibald get a job like that? I guess now we know why they called him Snake. Definition of mixed emotions – Spike sobbing while showing loads of cleavage in a cute, tight little number. To Emma’s shock, Spike reveals that she’s still in love with at least one-third of the Zit Remedy.
Darcy convinces Spinner to ask Marco’s forgiveness, obviously unaware of his past attempts to win Jimmy’s affection. Spinner gives it a shot, with the scriptwriters recycling past dialogue by substituting “Jimmy” with “Marco. Just when it looks like Spinner will switch to stalking Marco for a full season, Degrassi’s gay superhero proves he’s the bigger man and forgives the big lug. In one of the series more poignant scenes, Marco observes “Spinner, you really are lost, aren’t you?”
