The House of Irony / April, 2006

I’m starting to feel like I’ve dropped off the planet, sitting in front of my monitor endlessly yet never posting, a creepy lurker on my own websites.

My reason is obvious for anyone that knows me, I’m as singleminded as they come, and right now all of my focus is on developing Karissa’s new site. We went minimalist while the rest of the site’s being constructed, all that’s there right now is a worklog of Karissa’s latest product, a knitting purse.

Karissa’s really been putting a lot of work into her end of things, spending a lot of time documenting her progress, updating, and yet I’m having trouble doing the same. The only thing on my mind lately is OSCommerce alternatives. AGAIN. (Without a doubt, this will be the topic of my next post.)

P.S. Can you believe I haven’t written about the Mac Mini I bought THREE weeks ago?

It is no secret that Saddam is my favorite dictator. He had a great moustache, loved american cinema and had a version of the Koran written with his own blood. Through hard work and a lot of hustle, he killed a lot of dudes and made the rest very, very afraid. Say what you will about the man’s ethics – he ran a tight ship.

I came across a site today that celebrates the courtroom antics of this zany role model. The address is www.rockpapersaddam.com Please treat yourself to the comedy stylings of the Terror from Tikrit!

I can’t afford to get the laser bag here in Ottawa, and I’m too far from Oakville to get it cheap, so naturally the conversation turns to baby names. J. has allowed me to name any of our future children if they turn out to be boys. The following is a list of a few of the names I came up with. She agreed to only one.

Snake – Contrary to popular belief, this is not in honour of Snakes on a Plane, but rather because of Plissken.
Satanico Pandemonium – One of my top five.
Isaac – The only one she agreed to, but now that I’ve given it some thought, if we’re going to name a kid after a character from Children of the Corn I would rather it were Malachai.
Zeus
Hercules
Theseus
Q-Bert – Another name on my top five. By this point J. had stopped listening to me and was answering automatically. After she said no once, she paused, realized what I had said, then said no again with a great deal of pain and dismay on her face.
Dig-Dug
Dig-Douglas
Galaga
Power Man – J. told me that if I followed this suggestion with Iron Fist she would smack me. I am so proud that she would automatically think of Iron Fist when she hears Power Man. I told her not to worry, as I think Iron Fist is a name that would get the kid beat up and I would never suggest it.
Pregnancy
Rude Boy
Shaft – On the top five. My argument was “That Shaft is one bad mutha…SHUT YO MOUTH! But I’m talking about Shaft Wintle. We can dig it.”
Superfly
Odin – Fuck yeah. Top five.
Thor
Tiberius – My number one choice. I really pushed for this and must have repeated it a dozen times, even suggesting that he can go by Ty for short. J. is convinced I will forget about it eventually, so just in case, I have written myself a note and placed it in an envelope marked “Open in case of pregnancy.”
Chicken
Delissio
Iron Fist
Rex – Almost made the top five.
Hannibal – Same as Rex.
Job – This one was tricky. J. suggested it, but I think she may have been joking. I think the kid would grow up good and tough with this name.
Conan

Future suggestions – Mongoose, Malachai, Elevator Action, Ghiderah

Check out the video of Marc Ecko tagging Air Force One. Yes, the president’s plane. After you’re done watching the tag video, watch Marc Ecko talk about why he did it at the stillfree website.

thanks to Dave B. for the heads up.

Sometimes an invention comes along that will revolutionize the way things are done. I make no claims to know the future, but this one seems like a very good candidate for just such an invention. This article on biodiesel basically states this. Biodiesel in it’s current production state takes a bit long to make, and it creates a bi-product, which can be turned into other things, but it’s still a bi-product. A university has invented a device that converts material to biodiesel on a molecular level, which means it’s instantaneous, and has no bi-product.

The machine, which is the size of a credit card, can be stacked so it can be used in a commecial application. Which means, every farm/farmer from here to timbuktwo could have this system located on the farm. Suddenly there is no more need for the oil companies. You have a cheap, renewable, environmentally friendly fuel. Diesel cars need nothing changed to be able to run biodiesel. Not only that, but the growing of more crops to make the fuel will take carbon out of the system and that will clean up the air.

This is a no-brainer win/win situation here folks. My next car WILL be a diesel.

You’re probably all sick of me talking about Snakes on a Plane, so today I will be talking about Snakes on a Plane.

There is one aspect of the Snakes on a Plane roleplaying game in particular that elevates it to the level of a classic game. During character creation, the players must write a one sentence story that explains what they hope to accomplish while on the plane. Examples include “Snuck onto the plane to pitch my script to a producer” and “Escorting a witness to testify in a federal trial”. Alone, these short descriptions mean very little. What makes the game so special is a rule found further along.

Once the time remaining elapses, the plane arrives at its destination. Everyone who accomplished the task stated in their Story is a WINNER. Everyone who did not accomplish that task is BITTEN BY A SNAKE and DIES.

It seems obvious that the primary focus of Snakes on a Plane would be snakes on a plane, but the snakes on the plane are in fact only complications in resolving the main objectives of the characters. Unlike most goals set during a roleplaying game, these objectives are clear and have a very specific time frame. You can be the greatest damn snake fighter on the planet, but if you don’t reconcile with your estranged wife and children before the plane lands no amount of snake fighting skills are going to change your fate. You will die.

This rule creates a number of enjoyable situations. If the objective of the player characters involve other people on the plane, then they not only have to look out for themselves but also have to protect others, even if that goes against their usual selfish instincts. In addition, this gives the SnakeMaster the opportunity to create multiple obstacles to place in the player characters’ paths. If the player character has to steal microfilm from an enemy spy onboard the plane, he may have to cross a snake-infested area to reach his objective. Or perhaps the enemy spy has already hidden the microfilm somewhere on the plane, and now the player character must get the information from the enemy spy while also keeping that enemy spy from perishing at the fangs of the snakes. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. Any result other than a clear success in their objectives means certain doom for the characters when that plane lands. The possibilities for screwing your players are endless.

Another thing that draws me to this twist is how it adds another meaning to the term Snakes on a Plane. The number one definition for Snakes on a Plane at Urban Dictionary describes the phrase as follows.

1. snakes on a plane

Guy 2: (calm) Snakes on a plane man. Snakes on a plane.

Metaphorically, by the rules of the roleplaying game the characters are already experiencing a “snakes on a plane” moment before there are any actual snakes on the plane. With the release of the actual snakes on the actual plane, they must deal not only with the mundane “snakes on a plane” but also the literal snakes on a plane, both of which are equally deadly.

This is perhaps the most damning observation on the challenges of modern life we have seen this century.

Tonight we began our campaign for the Snakes on a Plane roleplaying game. While you await our full report, please visit this game already in progress.