The House of Irony / April, 2006

The following are the stats for Cheeks found in the DC Heroes roleplaying module entitled Don’t Ask. It appears that they may be outdated, as Cheeks has seen combat as a frontline medic and this doesn’t seem to be part of his skill set. If anyone cares to update this character sheet, please send it my way and I will make the necessary corrections.

Cheeks alias the Toy Wonder

DEX - 0
STR - 0
BODY - 0

INT - 0
WILL - 0
MIND - 0

INFL - 0
AURA - 0
SPIRIT - 0

INITIATIVE - 0
HERO POINTS - 0

Powers – Flight (see Limitations), Water Freedom (Underwater Breathing): 1, Iron Will: 1, Stretching: 1

Skills – Acrobatics: 1, Martial Artist (Taking a Blow): 1, Charisma (Intimidation: 1, Militay Science (Camouflage): 1, Artist (Actor): 1

Equipment – None

Limitations – Cheeks’ Flight APs are limited to the STR APs of his thrower.

Motivation – Thrill of Stuffing

Wealth – Struggling

Job – Detective-in-training

Race – Toy

Connections – Ambush Bug (High Level), Ermie’s House of Really Cheap Toys (Low Level)

Stephen Spielberg and Michael Bay are looking for a few good fleshlings for various bit parts in the upcoming Transformers film. You only have four more days to get your submission in. It helps if you’re black, feisty and female. I’m voting Mike for the role of Bobby Bolivia.

So I’ve been doing alot of motivational reading lately. Yeah yeah I can hear the comments now. Problem is, it works. The more I read up on this stuff, the more the ideas I have had for years become justified and reinforced by people who have “made it” already. The basic idea is simple, and one we’ve all heard for years. Know you can! It’s an unwavering belief that you will succeed, and life puts in your path that which you need most. The power of focused and directed thought is beyond what we allow ourselves to believe. So I have a story, and a theory to pose. First the story.

In 1954 one Roger Bannister did the impossible. For years, everyone said no human could ever run this fast. But he KNEW it was possible. And with an absolute belief it could be done, he ran the mile in 3 minutes and 59.4 seconds. Now here is the important part in this story. In this same year, 14 more people beat the 4 minute mile! All over the world people saw it was possible and their belief changed!

When I was a kid (I don’t know if anyone else did this too) but my parents would buy me a knew pair of shoes, and I would try them on inside the house, and then I would run around the house as fast as I could like a maniac! And my parents without fail would tell me how much faster I was with these shoes, and I believed it! Until one day at school some kid told me I was an idiot, and shoes don’t make you faster.

So here is my theory. What if you had a kid, and every time he got a new pair of shoes it was reinforced that he was faster with this new pair of shoes than his last. And somehow, he managed to get through gradeschool, highschool and college without anyone ever telling him different, and he makes it onto the track team. Would he be faster? Would getting a new pair of shoes make him faster still? Would telling him otherwise slow him down?

It all started innocent enough.

Last year I picked up a copy of Chopping Mall from a small used record store in Montreal. Later that week, while watching the movie, I noticed a poster for Barbarian Queen on the wall during the diner scene. During the summer I had pointed out a poster for that movie to Doug, who eventually bought it and mounted it over his bed. I had also found a VHS tape of that same movie for Nagy not long before that. There’s a scene in Chopping Mall where some of the “teens” are watching a movie on TV. The movie is Attack of the Crab Monsters. That same week the lead actress of that film, Pamela Duncan, had passed away. As the weeks wore on, the connections between Chopping Mall and my life continued to appear, to the point where I was convinced that this b-movie about murderous mall security robots was the cosmic centre of all being. This was, of course, a naive supposition.

The truth is that all things actually lead to Roger Corman.

When I expanded my perspective to accomodate all of Roger Corman’s work, I found myself overwhelmed by the insidious hold he has on our world. Connections I hadn’t previously possessed the insight to explore became apparent. Like hearing a word for the very first time then hearing it again and again in the days that follow, this discovery has altered my entire worldview. Now I can’t escape him, no matter how much tinfoil I use.

Consider yourselves enlightened. This is Roger Corman’s world. We just live in it.

May the blood you spill be the blood of heroes.