The House of Irony / Movies |
Today I searched for the Japanese characters for Battles Without Honour or Humanity, a Christmas movie starring the Duke boys as truck-driving brothers, which of the Bring It On sequels is the best, and what Brandon Lee thought of Dolph Lundgren’s cock.
Today I searched for Nazi ghost movies set in bunkers, Balrog’s ‘tin can’ move, and Kim Jong-Il’s giant monster movie.
Today I searched for Sir Isaac Crab, lyrics for songs by Reiko Ike, and the date for next year’s G-Fest.
Today I searched for a list of Frankenstein movies produced by Hammer Studios and Lemmy’s coffee meet-up with Kurt Cobain.
Hopefully this will get some of the other members of the House to crawl out from beneath the rocks they’ve been hiding under, concocting their quizzes and playing their Warcraft.
Warner Bros. is going ahead with a Conan movie, set to start filming in 2007. The writer (and potential director) is Boaz Yakin, a lifetime fan of Robert E. Howard’s tales. He hopes to bring that devotion to Howard’s work to the big screen. Sounds great, right? Unfortunately for some, what this means is that this will be a remake and not a sequel. And not only will Schwarzenegger not be involved, but a large chunk of what many people consider to be part of the Conan canon will be obliterated. For example, Conan’s village wasn’t destroyed in the original stories, nor was he sent into slavery, worked as a gladiator or fought serpent men. Hell, in the original Howard stories Cimmeria was supposed to be a stand-in for Scotland, not Austria. In fact, many of the more familiar aspects of Conan the motion picture were actually lifted from other works of Howard’s, like King Kull and Bran Mak Morn.
It’s understandable why the filmmakers did this. Most of Howard’s stories were more like tales heard around the campfire. They had no real connection to one another, and no drive that pushed the narrative forward as a whole. In the short stories, Conan simply develops wanderlust after hearing tales of lands outside Cimmeria, and leaves to seek adventure. Not nearly as rousing as a tale of revenge.
As much as I love the original film and believe that it captured the essence of Howard’s creation, having read the original stories many times over I’m looking forward to this remake. If they do intend on sticking with the original text, they’re going to have a hard time making it work, not only because of the resistance from the rabid fans of the original, but also in adapting such a fractured tale.
Yesterday I was lucky enough to see a question and answer session with German Director Werner Herzog.
Some of the more interesting things he talked about were:
1 Landscapes as his starting point and talked about how he directs them.
2 How to hypnotize a Chicken by quickly drawing a chalk line in front of them.
3 The barbarous nature of chickens – he called them cannibals and called their gaze “flat”.
4 His disgust for psychology.
5 The importance of language (he urged aspiring filmmakers to study other major languages).
6 The importance of journey on foot.
7 His view that nature is base and vile.
8 That there is no excuse for filmmakers today as good equipment is so readily available and cheap – he then said if you need money work as a bouncer in a sex club.
All his answers were very blunt, direct and at times dark. He told a story where in response to a rumour that was floating around about a crew member getting hit by a truck (she wasn’t) he created a wilder rumour by telling an Italian reporter that after the truck driver hit her – he got out and raped her on the street. I laughed very loudly at this. So much so that some dude in a cardigan turned around and shot me a disgusted look. I may think rape is funny – but he was wearing a cardigan, fuck you sir.
After the event was over I was on my way out with the space junk crew when I spotted Herzog to my right. I bee lined it to him and said “Thank you Mr Herzog” – he shook my hand and said “Thank you for coming”. I then asked him why he decided to shave his moustache. He smiled and said “Oh I don’t remember – I must have lost it during life’s trials and tribulations. ” I then said, “I am going to be honest with you – you grown an amazing moustache.”
I was pretty excited to speak to him, and later than night Wintle suggested I fuck the hand that shook his hand. This was good advice, and by osmosis my cock is now able to direct landscapes.
