The House of Irony / Television

Tim Lucas of the Video Watchblog reports that famed horror television producer Dan Curtis has passed away.

The 1970’s looms large in cinema history, especially among horror junkies, myself included. It was a time when a gritty, independent vision could still make it to the big screen without compromise, and often take in a healthy box office as an added bonus. This sensibility filtered down to television as well. In fact, it’s probably safe to say that the 1970’s was the golden age of made-for-tv horror movies. And behind the most fondly remembered of those films was producer/director/writer Dan Curtis.

Curtis cut his teeth on horror as creator of the cult favourite soap opera series Dark Shadows, moving on from there to a television adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That telefilm starred Jack Palance, who would also appear in Curtis’ version of Dracula in the title role, and one which many believe to be one of the all-time best screen renditions of the Count.

While these productions have their devout followers, for my taste Curtis really hit his stride in his less gothic work. The Night Stalker introduced the world to horror’s unlikeliest hero, Carl Kolchak, a rumpled and cynical investigative reporter on the trail of a vampire roaming the streets of Las Vegas. The Night Stalker went on to capture a 54 share of the ratings for its timeslot, meaning that over half of the viewing audience tuned in, giving The Night Stalker the best ratings for a made-for-tv movie up to that time. Curtis followed this up with a sequel, and another telefilm about a supernatural investigator called The Norliss Tapes. The story was told through audio tapes Norliss had made describing his encounters with the horrific as found by his editor, who is seeking an explanation for Norliss’ mysterious disappearance. Unfortunately, the premise never went beyond the pilot, so no one knows what happened to poor Norliss. The heady mix of horror and cynicism evident in these three films, with the little guy facing dark powers seemingly beyond his power to defeat let alone comprehend, touch on the zeitgeist of the times as well as just about any of television’s big brothers on the silver screen.

And there’s plenty more, from Frankenstein to Trilogy of Terror to Burnt Offerings to the new Dark Shadows and all the way up to the present-day. For people of a particular age, Dan Curtis is the man most responsible for many a sleepless night. Thanks for the nightmares, Mr. Curtis.

Mr. Curtis is survived by two daughters. Condolences to his friends and family.

Just watched the episode of Inside The Actors Studio with Dave Chappelle. It’s probably the funniest and most honest interview, and definitely the best episode of the show, I’ve ever seen. The advice and truisms from Chappelle aren’t just for people who want to be performers, they’re for life in general.

And yeah, it does have heartfelt moments, and wisdom, and insight, and all that other gay stuff. But it’s also funny as hell. There are even parts where James Lipton breaks in some comedic chops… and, for once, he doesn’t look like a pretentious kiss-ass doin’ it. At one point, Chappelle even makes him get up and bust out some old school ballet moves. And the crowd went apeshit. I think that’s one of the signs of a great performer. He doesn’t just make himself look good. He makes everyone around him look like a star.

God bless you, Wheels.

“Does the gay superhero know you took his belt?”

Sexy clowns! Car Chases! Explosive diarrhea! It’s been too long. Let’s get right to it.

The Friendship Club are holding a carnival for charity, and Spinner is the one sitting in the dunk tank. You have got to give it to those Christ kids; they’ve got business savvy. Nothing rakes in the cash like making a target out of the most hated person in Degrassi. Jimmy rolls by and pays five bucks to take as many shots but manages to dunk Spinner with just one toss. For a second I thought he was going to ask for his four bucks back, but instead he dunks the poor kid four more times. Calling the Toronto Blue Jays! Marco intervenes, saving Spinner from hypothermia. What a fucking baby.

Emma bakes some brownies to cheer Spike up on her third anniversary to Snake (and their first apart), while Manny suggests renting her some hot cock. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! All of this is simply skirting the real issue here. Spike is back on the market! Oh, I’m in love with a girl named Spike!

Meanwhile, at the carnival, Toby looks forward to snagging some free condoms at the upcoming Safer Sex day, and Marco, a devout Catholic, supposedly hasn’t heard that there’s a new Pope in town and is suffering under the delusion that gays will be fully accepted into the church sooner rather then later. The Friendship Club gush all over Spinner, inferring that he was solely responsible for raising over $800 for charity. That’s a lot of dunk tank patrons. Imagine how much they would have made if they had strapped Rick’s corpse to the dunk tank. Marco, deserted by all his friends (including “Palex”, the dykenamic duo), is approached by Spinner and asks him out on a date to see Clown Academy II - Bozo Romps Again where they bond over pizza and catty remarks.

Back at the ranch, Spike gets a surprise visit from an old friend. Things are going swimmingly until Snake shows up unannounced and ruins the girls’ non-anniversary party. Spike is not impressed. Hands off, Archibald! You had your chance! And since when is Caitlin Spike’s best friend? What happened to Liz?

The next day the Friendship club call an emergency meeting, which can only mean that either Linus has finally spiked the kool-aid or rampant promiscuity and other deviant sexual practices have overrun the school. Upset that Marco is orchestrating Safer Sex day, a thinly veiled excuse for some hot teenage dry humping, the Friendship team conspire to put a kibosh on the affair without Spinner or Darcy’s input. Linus makes the point that kids with access to condoms will have further reasons to get it on, a theory I wholeheartedly agree with. Where I diverge with Linus is in thinking that teenage orgies are a bad idea. High school by choice! Hand out more condoms!

Over at Spike’s place, Caitlin concocts a list of lame party games to keep her mind off of Snake’s betrayal. Manny reiterates her desire for sweet sweet beefcake, and finally wins the other girls over. Caitlin snags a phone book and lets her fingers do the walking.

Spinner attempts to break the world record for ending a budding friendship by harassing Marco about condoms and sin less then 24 hours after reigniting their fractured relationship. Apparently, giving high school kids condoms is in the Bible. When Marco won’t listen to reason, the Friendship brigade bring their case to the Principal, who knows a thing or two about hump crimes. Fearful of another outbreak of social diseases, she ignores them and gives the go-ahead for Marco’s hedonistic celebration. Realizing that Friendship club is the last bastion of decency at Degrassi, Puppet Master gives Spinner a choice. Us… or them?

At this point Spinner is so into Jesus that he turns his back on the piece of tail that got him there in the first place and follows Jim Jones to a protest at the gym. That’s when the fun begins. Hot Linus and Marco action! The two petite iconoclasts trade blows, both ideological and physical. Sha-zam! Watch out, Linus. This “fag” has a mean left hook. Spinner, convinced of Linus’ bigotry, helps break up the fight and sends Linus packing. Unfortunately, it appears that it’s already too late for Spinner and Marco’s friendship. But, oh, what a beautiful 24 hours they had together…

Speaking of throbbing man loins, Spike’s non-anniversary surprise shows up in bow ties, short shorts, appetizers and little else. Manny gets her wish and Emma is about to pass along a few more social diseases when Spike is startled by one stripper’s resemblance to her former beau. Uh oh. Caitlin obviously hired strippers from a company that specializes in ugly, misshapen men. How does someone who looks like Archibald get a job like that? I guess now we know why they called him Snake. Definition of mixed emotions – Spike sobbing while showing loads of cleavage in a cute, tight little number. To Emma’s shock, Spike reveals that she’s still in love with at least one-third of the Zit Remedy.

Darcy convinces Spinner to ask Marco’s forgiveness, obviously unaware of his past attempts to win Jimmy’s affection. Spinner gives it a shot, with the scriptwriters recycling past dialogue by substituting “Jimmy” with “Marco. Just when it looks like Spinner will switch to stalking Marco for a full season, Degrassi’s gay superhero proves he’s the bigger man and forgives the big lug. In one of the series more poignant scenes, Marco observes “Spinner, you really are lost, aren’t you?”

Seldom is there a show of such quality and depth as this. Firefly lived for a brief and shining moment, only to be snuffed out by executive morons. For those that don’t know, here is a brief story. Joss Whedon after finishing his shows Buffy and Angel created a new epic that can only be described and a combination space opera and western. 20th Century Fox aired the show wrong. They did not play the show in the order it was filmed, which if any of you know Joss Whedon story telling style means anyone attempting to watch the show was completely lost as pieces of the story were completely lost on viewers who were watching episode 9 one week, and episode 5 the next. Thus it didn’t have nearly the push it should have.

In come the fans. Hardcore Joss fans who managed to catch the show DEMANDED a DVD set be released, and soon DVD sales skyrocketed from a show that barely reached the air. The signal would not be stopped. Enough sales happened that Joss was able to convince the bean counters a movie would be a wise and profitable idea, and while the movie in theatres did not quite make all it’s money back, again DVD sales of the movie brought in high numbers.

Now the fans speak again. An independant group is starting an online petition to bring season 2 to fruition. Maybe it’s an excercise in futility. Maybe this David will get squished by his Goliath. But if you love good TV, with thought provoking stories and well thought out characters I beg you to rent the DVDs, hell even download them, but for christ’s sake watch it and I guarantee you will fall in love with this show from the first episode. And click on this link to sign up to the petition. Save yourself from having to watch another show like Friends or The OC and lets bring back some good TV!

Dedicated in part to Wheels’ father.

“Don’t skankify my friend.” – Paige

That wasn’t vodka Peter spiked the punch with. It was an aphrodisiac. There hasn’t been an episode of Degrassi this filthy since Emma lay in bed smiling after a night of receiving a social disease… in the throat! Everyone’s skankifying!

Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes return to Degrassi for the poutine, an interview with Tanya Kim of E-Talk Daily fame and the world premiere of Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh! What, couldn’t get Ben Mulroney? Alex blows off Jay’s invitation to the premiere because Paige invited her first, and now Alex will finally have a chance to give ‘er. With diesel. Before they get a chance to experiment with their budding sexuality, Paige breaks the news that she invited Hazel in Alex’s place. Alex is understandably pissed and stomps off, forcing Paige to satisfy Kevin Smith’s weird Canadian fetish to gain an extra ticket. Alex is so pleased by this turn of events that she practically licks the make-up off of Paige’s face.

Unbeknownst to everyone, Jason Mewes mentally undresses the school Principal. Skankify!

Meanwhile, Emma and her new boy toy Peter, the Principal’s son, secretly converse through a half-empty bookcase in plain sight of the entire school body. You wouldn’t think Emma was so juvenile considering all the bracelets she collected in Social Disease Gully.

The school dress code disappears as the plunging necklines of the Degrassi student body make their way down the red carpet. Footage from Smith and Mewes’ last appearance make up the entirety of the screening, and the kids are ushered out of the theatre and into the kid’s table version of the after-party. Emma convinces Peter to trade the vodka he’s pouring into the punch for “liquor” (oo-er!) and they hide from Manny in the dark recesses of the theatre to make with the hickeys. But are they the only ones skankifying?!?

Marco is upset that he and Hazel aren’t able to crash the adult side of the celebration, but it really doesn’t surprise anyone considering the ugly outfit that Marco is wearing. Me-ow! Paige and Alex stretch their acting skills to the limit by pretending that they’re dyke strippers, and a little girl-on-girl action greases the wheels to let them through to the other side of the velvet rope. Jay, having observed all this, tries to make it a threesome, but is so brutally pathetic in his approach that you wonder how he ever received a social disease, let alone passed one around. The girls decide to keep their burgeoning romance private, and make their way out onto the dance floor for a little jailbait bump-and-grind. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes look on in both disbelief and boner-enhancing sweat pants, and briefly consider whether they should join in and cross swords themselves . Thankfully, this is only hypothetical skankifying.

So far a bit of a tease of an episode, until Emma and Peter neck their way into the theatre proper and catch their parents dry humping. It takes an awful lot for me to gasp out loud during an episode of Degrassi, but this development caught me completely off-guard. Bad enough that Snake is cheating on Emma’s mom with his boss, but now all that teenage groping and fumbling between Emma and Peter seems a whole lot more incestuous, Dunville-style.

Paige and Alex leave everyone a parting gift of tight inseams in their chinos and make their way to Alex’s house for some shoes, and by shoes, I mean bumping uglies. Coitus interruptus as Alex’s mom awakens from her drunken stupor and regales Paige with stories about her daughter’s childhood. As they’re about to leave, Alex’s mom and a man I’m assuming is the plumber have an argument and Alex gets thrown into an end table in a classic study of Degrassi domestic abuse.

Back at the home of Snake and Spike, Emma is compulsively making tea and letting her mascara run while waiting for Snake’s return. Just seconds after he walks through the door, she confronts him about his skankifying ways. He returns with a verbal volley of his own, asking her if she has ever done something she knew was wrong with someone she shouldn’t have been with. He looks mockingly at her throat as he speaks. This is a man who has faced Death in a bathroom stall. Don’t toy with him. He will bury you.

Alex and Paige have a slumber party after Paige promises to clear out all the end tables first. Then they make out for two glorious seconds. But before they move onto the pillow fight and styling each others hair, Paige freaks out and makes tracks to the sofa downstairs. Yet another sensitive issue dealt with in the inimitable Degrassi style. Already my videotape of the program is being worn down in certain places.

Next Week – The Lexicon of Love continues as Paige finds she has no one to turn to for advice and chooses Kevin Smith as a last resort. And the Spike ladies double-team Snake, but not in the skankifying way. Also, I retire the term “skankify” and all related uses.

This report dedicated, as always, to Wheels.

“Spinner. Slow Down. I was just about to redefine Bible thumping.” – Jay

It’s the first year anniversary of the shootings at Degrassi High, and Jimmy is once again forced to accept a pity honorarium from the school despite secretly wishing that everyone would just leave him the fuck alone. As if that weren’t enough, Hazel is getting jealous over the fact that Jimmy and Ellie concocted plans for the mural without telling her, and Spinner tries to patch things up with Jimmy for the seventy-sixth time since the day he got Jimmy shot. All Jimmy wants to do is paint his mural. Leave him the Hell alone.

Meanwhile, Spinner is torn between a weekend of bumping uglies at a kegger with his buddy Jay or Born Again beach volleyball with his girlfriend Darcy, who makes a point in practically every scene to let everyone within earshot know that she can be a Christian and still be hip with where the kids are at. Spinner chooses hot virginal volleyball, and has a friendly discussion concerning matters of abstinence with Linus, the head of the cult, while simultaneously ogling Kim, the guy’s girlfriend. Things seem pleasant enough until Linus starts divulging the secret of Spinner’s involvement with Jimmy’s shooting as a way to blackmail him into converting, thereby demonstrating Degrassi’s commitment to show that people from all walks of life, including the righteous, can be cock knocking scum.

Back at school, the fur is flying as the gang pitches in on Jimmy’s mural. Hazel’s plans to travel with Jimmy over the summer conflict with Jimmy and Ellie’s plans to sharpen his artistic talents. When an obviously discouraged Jimmy subconsciously includes a portrait of in the mural, the paint hits the shirt and Hazel and Jimmy break it off in an ugly public scene.

Pissed that his girlfriend has shared information he gave in confidence, Spinner calls his buddy in a last-ditch effort to get laid. Jay shows up at the rather tasty barbecue and decides to play the field before heading to the kegger. Spinner and Darcy make up while watching Jay deceive his way into some poor girl’s short shorts, but cock block him at the last minute by inviting him into the woods for a ménage a beer. Darcy won’t imbibe because she got drunk once and is the only person in the history of the planet who sincerely meant “I swear to God, I’ll never drink again.” Spinner takes off for refills, leaving his girlfriend with a drunken, conniving, lecherous parolee. It’s like Welland all over again. Jay convinces Darcy that Spinner is a hot commodity among the ladies, and if she doesn’t put out, some piece of kegger ass will. Darcy knocks one back and then prepares to knock boots with her man. When Spinner returns Darcy sits him down, momentarily ponders WWJD and strips out of her bikini top. Spinner is digging this abstinence jive, until he notices that Darcy is bawling, and as we all know there’s nothing quite like an ugly crier to turn a guy on.

Realizing what Jay did, Spinner catches up with his buddy and sucker-punches him by the volleyball game, then tries to murder him by wrapping the net around his neck. Jay denies that he’s Satan and takes off, leaving an obviously distraught Spinner to bare his soul and take the first tentative steps to forgiveness in Christ.

Next Week! Girls + Wine + Sex & The City Marathon = Sufferin’ Sappho. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes return to Degrassi for the premiere of Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh? while Paige, the mostly hung-over lipstick lesbian, attempts to talk her way out of a drunken night of passion involving Alex, her one-time rival for the title of most catty student at Degrassi.

Just just just finished watching Entourage—it’s freaking me out how everything from HBO is gold. I just don’t understand their track record, and I’m starting to get a little spooked.

As a series that follows an actor rising through the Hollywood ranks, Entourage really flaunts the new draw of being on television, with all its cameos and rich living. This is a show strictly about the good life, where most character dilemmas revolve around what to spend their money on, and the closest they get to despair is a doomed relationship with Mandy Moore. It’s pure fantasy fulfillment, and will no doubt be responsible for a bunch of people moving to LA to pursue this very lifestyle.

It’s just too bad the episodes go by so fast, because I could seriously watch this show forever. I mean, it’s practically a soap opera, why shouldn’t it be on every day?